On Vacation!
i haven’t forgotten about my blog!
I’m on vacation at my mother’s house, some 1,300 miles away from my own home. I’m having a wonderful time, visitng with Mom. We aren’t doing anything particularly festive; we are talking, cooking and eating. I’m getting to visit with Jane quite a bit, too, so that’s a rare treat.
My conscious eating is going better on some days than it is on other days. I have noticed that I’m pretty good about putting my fork or spoon down at most meals; it’s not even something I have to think about anymore. But my eating behavior is by no means “perfect”; I just keep telling myself that this is about process, not about perfection. Anxious about a conversation I wanted/needed to have with my mother — and then anxious about the results of that conversation — I overate for a few days. But, even so, i ate consciously. I fully tasted everything that I ate and was fully aware that I was eating emotionally. It never occured to me to try tapping. I wish it had. Not so much so that I wouldn’t have eaten, but because I would have liked to have tried tapping away the anxiety.
One piece of great news: Last week when the McKenna site had the DVD set on sale, I ordered it. We’d just done our taxes, and we are getting a few dollars back. My husband and I talked about it and agreed that I could use the extra support. Besides, he bought a used Xbox!
I’ll be gone on vacation until the middle of May. I’ll try to check in again between now and then for a few more short posts.
Conscious Overeating
My mother-in-law and I went out for lunch today. We went to one of my favorite restaurants, but one that I only go to with her. I had my usual: tofu curry, and hot and sour soup. Because I was eating consciously, I didn’t eat the little baby ears of corn in my soup. I’ve discovered that I don’t really like them. And I didn’t eat the onions in my curry, as I don’t really care for onions. But about 3/4 of the way through the curry, I knew that I was going to eat every bite of it, even if I got full. Luckily, I only ate a couple of bites over full, but I did finish my plate, and I enjoyed every single bite of my lunch. I didn’t just enjoy it, I really savored most bites. It’s really hard to chew tofu 20 times, so I just slowly chewed it to oblivion.
So why did I do that? Why did I consciously chose to overeat, albeit only a few bites? The only thing I can think of is that it was tasting so good, I didn’t want to let the taste go. I do, however, think if I’d have had a significant amount of food left, I would have been able to leave some of it then. I have enjoyed not feeling stuffed. It’s been weeks since I’ve been uncomfortable because of food, and I’m really appreciating that I don’t do that to my body anymore.
Today is Day 19 of mindful eating and I’m jazzed about the changes that have come into my life because of this new way of eating. My relationship with food is so much more healthy, and I’m so much more sane around food. Most days, food doesn’t have control over me anymore. Most days, most meals, I have control over food. Even days like today, when I chose to overeat, it’s a conscious choice now, not a compulsion.
I didn’t eat again until I was hungry, and then I was hungry for lemons. I had one left, so I sat down with it and puckered up. I really enjoyed it. Even though one lemon doesn’t do much to fill a person up, it’s amazingly satisfying, because there is so much taste and texture to it.
Now, I’m just waiting for my husband to get home from work so we can go to Denny’s for a bite. I’m about to go on a month long vacation, and there will be no Denny’s where I am, so I need to get my Denny’s fix in before I go!
Cravings
I’ve had the strangest cravings lately. Not for sweets or chocolate or anything like that, but for things like cucumbers, avocados and lemons. Yes, lemons. And not lemon meringue pie or lemon in my iced tea, but just salted lemons. I’ve eaten one huge salted lemon in the past 24 hours and I’ll probably eat another before the next is over. Luckily, I’m not one of those people who retain water when I eat too much salt! Of course, I’m eating according to the system — I’m eating when I’m hungry, I’m eating consciously, and I’m stopping when I think I’m full.
I Weighed
Thursday I stopped by my doctor’s office to be weighed before I started a busy day. I have to admit to being a little disappointed. My weight was up from my February 11 weighing, from 313.3 to 315.7. I had hoped, of course, that it would be down, but for all I know it is! I started eating mindfully, according to the Geneen Roth approach 16 days ago (that was before I saw the Paul McKenna show I Can Make You Thin). Up until the very day I started eating consciously, I was gaining weight, and I have no idea how much weight I gained. I don’t really have a starting weight. I guess 315.7 will have to be my starting weight.
Not only was I disappointed to have discovered that I had gained weight, but I was disappointed in myself for being disappointed. I keep telling my friend, Jane, that this isn’t about weight loss for me at this point, but that it’s about my relationship with food. I want to continue down this road of peace, calm and sanity. I want to continue to watch my world expand as I have time for more in my life than food and weight issues, and I have more energy. When I discovered that I was disappointed I had to really think about it; I finally decided that the disappointment was that I gained, not so much that I hadn’t lost. At any rate, I haven’t overeaten as a result of the number of the scale — a new reaction for me!
Blogroll
I’ve found a few other blogs written by people following the McKenna system and would like to add them to my blogroll, but can’t figure out how to do that. If anyone knows how to do that in WordPress, please leave me a comment and let me know. I’d appreciate it.
EDITED TO ADD: Never mind! I kept poking around and I found what I was looking for. Be sure to check out the blogs that I’ve linked to for more personal stories about the McKenna system.
McKenna Spotting
Just seen on Do’s Space, a link to an article about Paul McKenna and his appearance on TLC.
For Better or Worse
I’ve been following Paul McKenna’s Four Golden Rules for a week now, and for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful. Not so much hopeful that I’ll lose weight (although I have that hope, too), but hopeful that for the first time in my life, I’ll develop a normal relationship with food. After a week of eating consciously and eating what I want — but only when I’m hungry! — I’m not obsessed with food the way I was two weeks ago. I’m not thinking all the time about what I’m going to eat next. Instead, I’m thinking about what I’m actually eating right now, or I’m thinking about making art, or posting on one of my blogs, or exchanging email with a friend, or something like that. I mentioned to Jane a couple of days ago that as I’ve gotten bigger over the last ten years, my world has gotten smaller. Well, it feels as though my world is enlarging itself. Not a lot yet, but it does feel as though there is some movement there.
It will probably surprise you to hear that I started following McKenna’s guidelines with a friend, but without having seen his show. We don’t have cable television (gasp!), so I had to get my in-laws to tape it for me. Well, last night I finally saw the first three episodes, back-to-back. What a treat that was! Jane had been telling me, each week, about the episodes and I’d been reading the message board and I’d explored the website, but it was so encouraging to get the full on I Can Make You Thin experience. I am so motivated to continue following the Four Golden Rules, and to introduce the new techniques into my life. I tapped along with Episode Two, and my anxiety about today’s upcoming therapy session just drifted away. I tried the Craving Busting Technique as I watched Episode Three. I was able to do the revulsion aspect with no problem. But when it came to the positive association aspect, I had trouble. I wasn’t able to really “get into” a moment when I was happy. I could think of one, and very cognitively go through the moment. I could think about the colors and sensations of the moment and I could remember specifics about it. But I couldn’t actually feel the feelings that went along with my memory of a happy time. It’s as though I have no emotional memory, just a cognitive one. Maybe this is something to talk about in therapy today.
I made that last remark half joking, but maybe it is something to bring up in therapy. This is a serious issue for me. Because memories are often tied to our emotions, and I have little emotional memory, I have few memories of my own past. It’s not as though I’m an amnesiac; I remember my name and current circumstances well enough. But when it comes to things in my past, I just don’t have a lot of memory about them. I don’t really remember my feelings around losing my virginity, for example — a fairly major event in a girl’s life! I had a younger sister make her transition when I was in high school, but I remember very little of that event, either, because I don’t have much emotional memory. I’ve been aware of this phenomena for a long time, but had managed to put it out of my mind. The Craving Busting Technique of Episode Three brought it to the forefront of my mind again. Maybe it really is something I should bring up in therapy again. I have a different therapist than I had the last time I tried to deal with this.
