A Major Breakthrough

While doing the evening tapping routine (EFT) with Brad Yates several nights ago, I had a really strong emotional reaction.  While tapping to something like “I deeply and thoroughly love and accept myself” my voice caught in my throat, as though I were about to cry. No real surprises for me there. I have issues with self-love and self-acceptance, and I know that. But then when tapping to “I deeply and completely love and forgive and accept myself” I had to swallow hard to keep from breaking down right then and there. The tears were in my voice,  in my eyes, and in my throat.  Just as Yates suggests, I kept tapping, but every time we tapped on  forgiveness, my throat clenched and I teared up again. It was a really strong reaction. I didn’t know that I had an issue with self-forgiveness.

When the tapping was over, I thought about it. What do I need to forgive myself for? There is one incident from my childhood that immediately came to mind, but that didn’t feel like the answer. I’d already dealt with it in therapy and talked about it with my best-friend, Jane, and pretty much worked through most of the guilt I had about it. So what was it? The next thing that came to my mind was my weight. I needed to forgive myself for being overweight. That immediately felt right, and in fact, a weight (no pun intended) lifted from my shoulders at the mere thought. But that’s not all I need to forgive myself for upon reflection. I need to forgive myself for some of my eating habits, too. I have a favorite binge food that I call “goo” that I need to forgive myself for loving and eating. Basically, it’s just butter and brown sugar mixed together. Sometimes, it has raw oats stirred into it, too. It’s rich and tasty and my favorite binge food. I’ve never tried doing the worm exercise for it, because I didn’t want it to be off-limits to me. I’ve never tried tapping my craving away, either. I don’t know why I’ve never done that. I just never think to do that at the time.

ANYWAY … since I had this breakthrough that I need to forgive myself for being overweight and for some of my eating habits, my eating has been much better. Following the Four Golden Rules has been much easier. And I’ve only eaten “goo” once — and I didn’t even really like it! I’ve had emotional cravings for it, but never hunger for it. In fact, the one time that I have eaten it, I had to talk myself into it. And as I said — I didn’t really enjoy it at all. In fact, I’m not sure that I even ate it all. I really don’t remember, as I wasn’t present with it, because I wasn’t enjoying it.

I’m not sure how to go about forgiving myself for being overweight and for my past eating habits, other than just acknowledging that it needs to be done. I talked about it in therapy today, and I’m not sure that we really came to any conclusions. The jist of the conversation was that I need to start living — doing some of the things that in the past I’ve put off until I was thinner. That would be the ultimate act of self-forgiveness — kind of like “living well is the best revenge”. I’m not sure I’m ready to live like that, but it’s an interesting thought.


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