Therapy Day

March 26, 2008 at 11:07 pm (personal growth, therapy) (, , , )

This is a rehash of yesterday, to some extent, because in therapy today we talked about how do I know that this time is any different. And you know something — it is different! It’s different, because I’m different. My motivation is internal, rather than external. My motivation is about my relationship to food, rather than losing weight. I’m convinced that losing weight will be a by-product of the process, perhaps even a slow one. But even so, even if I don’t lose a pound, I will be so much happier, and so much more at peace, when I get my relationship to food straight.

Next will come my relationship to my body. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. That doesn’t mean that I have to love that I weight this much, but it means that I can accept that I am where I am, and be grateful to my body for all that it does for me — because it does a lot.

Not only does my heart pump blood through my body, not only do my legs carry me from place to place (both more difficult to do because of my weight), but my body offers me a certain protection, too. It allows me to feel safe when I’m in a crowd. It actually allows me to feel invisible sometimes. As odd as that sounds, I’ve found it to be true. People often times just don’t see me, although you’d think it would be hard to miss someone of my size!

There are other ways that my weight/body protects me. I recently realized that it is protecting me from my fear of sex. I thought I avoided physical intimacy because I felt so unattractive and had trouble accepting that my husband truly and honestly desired me — and to some extent, that’s probably accurate. But I’ve recently come to realize that it’s deeper than that. Because of my sexual history, I’m afraid of that kind of connection with my husband. My body, by making me feel so unattractive, protects me from having to actually deal with that right now. Well, it worked that way until I realized what was going on, anyway! LOL! Now, I’m afraid I’m going to have to tackle this eventually. Probably sooner, rather than later.

Some heavy people (for some reason, I’m hesitant to just say “fat people”), believing that their weight serves them in some way is a very difficult thing to do — there was time when it was difficult for me to believe, too — but if they’ll be honest with themselves, they’ll discover at least one benefit, I’m sure. And until they can resolve that benefit or find another way to meet that need, they can’t lose weight and keep it off. I’m convinced of that.

Isn’t personal growth fun?

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